How to do it:

In the 80’s and 90’s “Coming Out” was a political movement as much as a personal act. Research showed that the biggest predictor of supporting gay rights was knowing you knew a queer person. It wasn’t an easy decision — coming out might result in family shunning, job loss, or even physical attack. Being visible held real risks, but it also changed public opinion seemingly overnight.

Feminists have encouraged a similar approach to move society on rape and abortion. Stigma shifts when we know someone affected. France recently revised rape laws due to the bravery of one woman who insisted the shame be on the men.

Erode the social high ground conservatives claim. It’s a delicate balance to be oneself and maintain boundaries while avoiding confrontation that entrenches division. How you proceed depends on your circumstances. Balance your activism with your own needs and safety. Coming out as yourself is a lifelong process.

Let’s try a few examples.

— Your grandparents are FOX news watchers. For the sake of your parents you’ve “kept the peace.” Your grandparents will host Thanksgiving.

— explain to your parents that you will no longer ignore racism, transphobia or other hate-speech. This is your boundary. Make a plan that allows you to keep your boundaries while respecting other people’s right to set their own. Offer to skip Thanksgiving if your parents prefer, and drive separately or plan a rendezvous point in case your grandparents kick you out and others want to stay. Your boundary only determines your behavior.

— your parents keep mis-gendering or dead-naming your sibling. They don’t want to (or can’t) cut family off at this time.

— your sibling is more vulnerable than you, so their comfort comes first. Tell then you’d like to call the parents out, with permission. Discuss tactics. You could refer to family by their full given names (no nicknames, use your mother’s maiden name, etc.) Or get matching trans-rights t-shirts for all the siblings. Work within your own boundaries, while respecting your sibling’s boundaries.

— you’re in a traditionally conservative community (e.g. you’re a military veteran) and you’re afraid you’re going to lose friends if you call out lies.

— Queer people faced the loss of everyone they had ever known. Anyone who tells you “you’re better off without them” doesn’t understand how devastating that can be. To prepare, find the other hidden liberals by dropping questions and seeing how people respond. If you say “I’m not so sure the National Guard should be deployed in LA” who speaks up? Or remains silent? Cultivate those relationships and build a chosen family of your peers who will stand by you when you speak up.

— you work in a place where politics is discouraged, but somehow nobody ever enforces it against MAGA Sally.

— Coming Out doesn’t mean everywhere, all the time, unless you want it to. Plenty of queer kids didn’t tell their parents until after they graduated, and “DADT” was official national policy for a while in the military. Evaluate the risks. If you complain to HR, will they talk to her, or start a file on you? How much do you need this job? Be realistic but brave, and make a plan to balance courageous integrity with practical realities. Be as direct as you dare. Call her out if you can. If you can’t, walk away every time she starts. (See if any allies will join you.) Your goal is not to influence MAGA Sally, it’s to let everyone else know she doesn’t speak for you.