How to do it:

In the 80’s and 90’s “Coming Out” was a political movement as much as a personal act. Research showed that the biggest predictor of supporting gay rights was knowing you knew a queer person. It wasn’t an easy decision — coming out might result in family shunning, job loss, or even physical attack. Being visible held real risks, but it also reversed public opinion in mere decades.

Feminists have encouraged a similar approach to move society on rape and abortion. Stigma shifts when we know someone affected. France recently revised rape laws due to the bravery of one woman who insisted the shame be on the men.

Coming out works for any issue that “nice people don’t talk about.” If you’re one of the hundreds of progressives who stay quiet to keep the peace with family, or silently greet the only other liberal at work, take steps to reveal yourself. This doesn’t mean you demand, or even tolerate arguments. It just means that, to the degree you are able, you stop hiding who you are.

How you proceed depends on your circumstances. Balance your activism with your own needs and safety but be brave, too. Coming out as your authentic self is a lifelong process!

Let’s try a few examples.

— Your grandparents are FOX news watchers. For the sake of your parents you’ve “kept the peace.” Your grandparents will host Thanksgiving.

— explain to your parents that you will no longer ignore racism, transphobia, etc. This is your boundary: you don’t tolerate those things. Respect other people’s right to set their own boundaries: maybe your parents don’t want conflict at Grandma’s house. Consider your circumstances, and make a plan that meets your needs without demanding from others. You might choose not to go at all. If you’re asked why, tell the truth. Maybe your boundary is you’re walking out if they start up. Make a plan that doesn’t require your ride to leave with you. Perhaps you’ve decided to speak up. Role play with a friend ahead of time. Present facts calmly. Practice saying “I’ll drop the topic when they do, but I’m not ignoring (bigotry, fear-mongering, etc.) ever again.”

— your parents keep mis-gendering or dead-naming your sibling. Your sibling doesn’t want to (or can’t) cut family off at this time.

— your sibling is more vulnerable than you, so their comfort comes first. Tell them you’d like to call your parents out, with permission. Discuss tactics. Would they like you to speak up for them, or slip away to the porch to listen? Would they feel supported if you refer to all family by their full birth names (no nicknames, use grandma’s maiden name, etc.) or if you invited all five siblings to get matching trans-rights t-shirts? Work within your own boundaries, while respecting your sibling’s boundaries.

— you’re in a traditionally conservative community (e.g. you’re a military veteran) and stand to lose friends and support if you take a stand.

— Queer people faced the loss of everyone they had ever known. Anyone who says “you’re better off without them” doesn’t understand how devastating losing community is, but there’s also a cost to hiding who you are with the people you’re supposed to be able to rely on. To prepare, find the other hidden liberals by dropping questions and seeing how people respond. If you say “I’m not so sure the National Guard should be deployed in LA” who speaks up or is silent? Cultivate those relationships and build a support crew of like-minded folks who will stand by you when you need them. Slowly become bolder with your opinions, as you feel more resilient.

— you work in a place where politics is discouraged, but somehow nobody ever enforces it against MAGA Sally.

— Coming Out doesn’t mean everywhere, all the time, unless you want it to. Plenty of queer kids didn’t tell their parents until after they graduated, and “DADT” was official national policy for a while. Evaluate the risks. If you complain to HR, will they talk to her, or start a file on you? How much do you need this job? Be realistic but brave, and make a plan to balance courageous integrity with practical realities. Be as direct as you dare. Call her out if you can. If you can’t, walk away every time she starts. (See if any allies will join you.) Your goal is not to influence MAGA Sally, it’s to let everyone else know she doesn’t speak for you.