Mea Culpa
We all make mistakes. Some of us are unlearning racism. Others absorbed and spread psyop before we learned what it was. Maybe you abstained from voting in a key election, because “they’re all the same” or supported Trump in 2016 because he seemed more outrageous than truly dangerous.
People change, but we often move on quietly hoping nobody noticed. That leaves no markers in the path for the next person…so leave a marker. Talk about something you’ve evolved on.
How we do it:
What we do is simple: acknowledge the places we’ve learned. Talk about what shifted our understanding. Tell others standing on the path why we no longer think that way. Make your process as open as you have the courage for, and you’ll shine a light for others to follow.
If your beliefs once caused harm to others, engage in “active apology.” Take real action to counter the harm your positions once held. Many of the strongest allies are people who had to do the hard work of learning first. Examined and rejected bigotry is unlikely to return.
Why we do it:
In 2001 I married my ex-wife in a big, traditional queer wedding. At the time sentiment ran strongly against queer marriage. Weren’t domestic partnerships enough? Even in the queer community we had friends who thought we were “poking the bear.” Fifteen years later I didn’t have a single liberal friend who didn’t whole-heartedly support the legalization of queer marriage.
I only a couple of friends who admitted they’d changed their minds. That causes several problems.
First, when people “evolve” but erase the process, it leaves no guideposts for the people behind them. Every time someone says “you know I used to think marriage was biblically defined, but then I realized that nobody was stopping churches from deciding who to marry, it was secular marriages we were blocking” or “I used to be homophobic, but then I got to know a gay coworker and he’s such a great guy” it creates a pathway for the next person.
Second, when people pretend change didn’t happen, it makes us feel like change won’t happen. In fact, social normalization is constantly shifting, and change always happens. When we don’t talk about the process, we can’t track and address these changes.
Finally, it’s a form of gaslighting for people in vulnerable populations, and it removes safety signals. If you once supported ICE “because people should follow the rules” and now you realize ICE isn’t following the rules, that shift is perceptible to others. Including vulnerable neighbors who might need you. If you talk about why you shifted, then they can gauge whether you’re a safe person now. If you conceal the shift, they know you’re not being honest, and are not a safe person.
